The Tortured Traveller
How I Survived the Worst Vacation Ever
By Sheldon Herman
When Sheldon Herman’s house needs renovation, he decides the place to be during that time is as far away as possible. On a whim he gets his travel agent to book him a tour to a destination that wasn’t exactly on his world travel bucket list.
A month later, he finds himself in Cape Town, South Africa, about to embark on an adventure that will turn out to be unforgettable—for all the wrong reasons.
Over sixty days and with his two trusty, bright orange suitcases—dubbed Pylon One and Pylon Two—in tow, Sheldon explores the highlights of Southern Africa from Cape Town to Nairobi, Kenya, by way of Namibia, Botswana, Zimbabwe, Zambia, Malawi, Tanzania, Uganda and Rwanda.
But instead of the luxury safari accommodation he was promised, he becomes intimately acquainted with Ursula, an ugly tent he has to set up himself. What he thought was going to be a tour bus with comfortable, reclining seats, and power outlets turns out to leak when it rains … which is often.
The Tortured Traveller: How I Survived the Worst Vacation Ever is the hilarious account of a woefully unprepared tourist trying to come to terms with everything from the beauty and cruelty of Botswana wildlife to the creature comforts of the Hyatt Zanzibar, where he experiences the kind of bizarre massage you won’t usually read about in East Africa travel books. In between, there’s a bit of romance, a tragedy, and lots of action.
Not many other travel books for adults will make you laugh, shake your head in disbelief, and inspire you to either go see for yourself—or stay far, far away quite like The Tortured Traveller does.
“I don’t think I’m on the right tour. I was told this wasn’t a tenting trip.”
Thirty minutes, three beers, four dozen obscenities, and a string of personal insults directed toward the designer of the tent and its manufacturer later, I was done. As I stared at the dark-colored monstrosity in front of me, I felt a range of emotions, none of which was any sense of personal accomplishment.
I decided to name my tent Ursula. It was an ugly name for an ugly tent, and the scattered and tangled tent poles reminded me of the ugly octopus from “The Little Mermaid.” I took a picture of it and sent it to my travel agent, Diane, with the caption “WTF?” I also explained everything that had happened so far.
“The Tortured Traveller is laugh-out-loud funny with non-stop mishaps and miscalculations. It should be mandatory reading for anyone planning a cut-rate tour of Africa. Expecting a relaxed care-free trip with accommodations in comfortable hotels, the author, Sheldon Herman, learns much to his horror that this is a cook-your-own meal, poop in the savannah, sixty-day camping trip. When not chased by elephants, harassed by baboons, or getting drenched in a canvas tent that is anything but waterproof, the author entertains locals with card tricks and devises schemes to upgrade his accommodations. I couldn’t put the book down, thankful that Mr. Herman lived to tell the tale.”
—Robert M. Goldstein
Author of The Last Passenger Train: A Rail Journey Across Canada
“In The Tortured Traveller, author Sheldon Herman perfectly captures the particular joys and hardships of international travel—I found myself laughing and crying simultaneously as he relates absurdities with which I am all too familiar: finding the best food in unexpected places, becoming comfortable with discomfort and learning to appreciate the smallest luxuries, being thrown together with people you learn to love (or hate), and surviving mishaps that are almost too ridiculous to be believed. As is so often the case, the adventure begins as soon as plans go awry: from the moment he steps off the plane. I felt like a stowaway in the author’s giant orange suitcase as he took me along on his epic and catastrophic journey across Africa.”
—TANYA HACKNEY
Author of Leaving the Safe Harbor: The Risks and Rewards of Raising a Family on a Boat
About Sheldon
Sheldon Herman was born in Maple Ridge, British Columbia, Canada. His parents served long careers in the Royal Canadian Mounted Police and Sheldon followed in their footsteps.
After contracting carbon monoxide poisoning, which resulted in life-threatening injuries, Sheldon focused on other passions such as cooking, travelling, and writing, and has recently become a professional magician and a licensed race car driver.
When a few trips did not go as planned, he began writing stories of his (mis) adventures in Europe, Asia, and Australia, which always gave his friends and family a good chuckle. Then the Africa trip happened and Sheldon decided to officially put pen to paper. With so many tales still left untold, there’s a chance he’ll grow a series.
I surveyed the area as our entire campsite began to float away, with the new members of our group huddled together on top of a picnic table in the fetal position, screaming, "The tents are not waterproof!" I attempted to use our mattresses as life preservers, but they also just sank to the bottom of the water.
I heard screaming and ran over to one of the women’s tents to find the roof caving in and water pouring all over their sleeping bags, pillows, and clothing. They exited the tent in their pyjamas, which looked like they were competing in a wet T-shirt contest, and for a brief second, I thought maybe this rain wasn't so bad. But then our tour guide told us we needed to leave immediately, or we were going to be stuck here.
— from The Tortured Traveller
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